Employers or Children?

It’s time for employers to start acting like adults and not like spoiled, sadistic 3-year-olds. Case in point: During one of my recent interviews, the manager, ostensibly to test my “troubleshooting” skills, told me he was thinking of an object in the room and that I had up to 20 questions to determine what that object was. My first thought was, “Is this person supposed to be on medication?” Obviously this employer was not right for me – or anyone else in their right mind.  Another example is when I interviewed three (3) times for a potential employer, but never heard from them again.  A month or so later, I got a call from a recruiter asking if I'd be interested in interviewing FOR THAT COMPANY!  I informed the recruiter that I wouldn't interview or work for that company for all the money in the world.  How unprofessional is that company that they can't be bothered to send a "thanks but no thanks" letter or email to someone who wasted their time on 3 interviews.

***UPDATE: As of March 4, 2011, I have been called no less than 3 times to interview AGAIN with the company whose manager thought playing 20 questions was a great way to determine a candidate's qualifications.  In less than two years, the company has lost at least 2 or 3 employees in the position I interviewed for, which I'm sure is a direct reflection on this ditzy manager.***

If I am to believe all of the job seeker newsletters I get, employers are either collectively smoking crack or are dangerously schizophrenic. The latest recommendation I read said to not appear willing to take any job, but another newsletter advises to apply for any and all openings and modify my cover letter and resume to fit the job. It’s gotten so ludicrous that The Onion did a hilarious piece in July regarding unemployment (here): http://www.theonion.com/articles/report-unemployment-high-because-people-keep-blowi,17803/

One article advises to include a quote in my cover letter to make it stand out. How about, "You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on," by Dean Martin; or this one from Albert Einstein, "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe." I figure I can't go wrong with a quote from Albert Einstein.

I’m also hearing a lot of hype about “social networking presence” and how we shouldn’t post anything that we don’t want an employer to see. Are employers really so controlling or paranoid that they care that much about what an employee says, whether it's about them or not?

Pre-interview advice: "Don't job hop," then "Don't stay at one employer too long." What constitutes too long? A year? Two years? Is it like my biological clock, where my hormones begin to overtake me if I'm at the same employer for too long? "Prepare," but "Don't be too prepared," "Don't assume they read your resume," which tells me they are interviewing "salespeople" who simply are good at convincing the interviewer they can do the job, regardless of whether they really can or not. The one pre-interview tip I've always had problems with: "Research the company." Does it really matter to a secretary or a security guard or a PC specialist what the company does? Would a janitor clean the toilets more thoroughly for one employer than another? The only time it matters is in the interview, and all it really proves is that I can read or that I can play their silly game.

Interview advice runs the gamut: Be prepared to answer the, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" question (to which I always want to say, "Employed."), “Don’t wear too big of a diamond ring,” “Be early,” “Don’t be too early,” “Don’t look up (or down or right or left) because the interviewer will think you’re lying,” to “Don’t fold your arms,” “Don’t sit on the edge of the chair because you’ll look nervous,” "Sit with your back pressed against the chair and don't lean forward because you'll appear desperate," and, by God, "Watch your facial expressions," because they can telegraph your thoughts. In other words, if an interviewer asks you a dim-witted question, try not to look like you just bit into an earwax-flavored jelly bean.

Post-interview advice: Be a “pest” and “follow up, follow up, follow up,” “Don’t be a pest, follow up but don’t call so much you tie up their phone lines,” “Send a formal thank you letter,” “Send a hand-written thank you note,” “Send a thank you email.” No word yet on whether or not a small gift of cash or jewelry is acceptable.

Whatever happened to hiring the most qualified person for the job? Why are we buying into these stupid games? All this advice tells me that I need to act like a robot and if the interviewer likes me and I'm the best bullshitter, I'm going to get the job.

Bottom line: Until the economy improves, or we all come to our senses, we will have to put up with this nonsense – but that doesn’t mean we can’t make fun of it.